Customer: “Ma’am, I think your frozen yogurt is expired.”
Me: “Really? What brand?”
Customer: “I don’t remember. But it tasted funny last night when I ate it.”
Me: “What was the expiration date?”
Customer: “Not until next month. But it tasted funny. After I put it in the microwave, it was liquid and warm.”
Me: “You put it in the microwave?”
Customer: “Yeah, it’s frozen yogurt! You have to heat it up!”
Customer: “Can I have cheese on my fries?”
Me: “Would you like American, Cheddar, Swiss, or Pepper Jack?”
Customer: “Cheddar is the one that melts, right?”
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Cheese on his fries? O.o
Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, what does free range chicken mean?”
Me: “That means our chickens are not raised in cages. They get to walk around outside, which is important to the quality of life for the animals.”
Customer: *with a horrified expression* “How do you make sure they don’t eat bugs and stuff while they’re outside?”
Me: “We make sure the farmers put up a sign ‘don’t eat bugs’ in chicken scratch so they can read it.”
Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll take two breasts.”
(I work in the barn, where I explain the rules of our corn maze. There are usually two or three horses in there as well, one of which is white.)
Customer: “That is a beautiful unicorn.”
Me: “He’s a handsome boy all right. Just missing the horn. You can pat him if you like.”
Customer: “But he is white, and strong like unicorn! They are very strong.”
Me: “He would make a very nice unicorn. He’s a Percheron, though, so no horn.”
Customer: “He must hide his horn, to protect! He cannot always be a unicorn!”
(Note: We have posters of real and fictional places on the walls.)
Customer: “Can I book a trip there?” *points at a poster of Atlantis*
Me: “Ma’am, that’s not a real place.”
Customer: *angry* “Then why is it on your wall!? That confuses people!”
Me: “We figured most people knew that there are no cities under water.”
Customer: “You shouldn’t assume everybody is that smart!”
(I’m working the cash register. A male customer of about 40 comes by and places their order. He proceeds to give me his credit card.)
Me: “May I see some ID, please?”
(He stares at me for a moment then breaks out into song as he hands me the ID.)
Customer: “Can’t read my, can’t read my, no you can’t read my pooooookeer faaaaaaace!”
Me: “Your table is not quite ready yet. Let me give you this pager it will go off as soon as the table is set.”
Customer: “Ok, thank you. What’s the range on this pager?”
Me: “Just on this side of the courtyard.”
Customer: “Alright, and if I lick it, will it electrocute me?”
Me: *pause* “Please…just…don’t.”
Me: “Hi, how are you today?”
Customer: “Yes, I would like an oompa loompa.”
Me: “Oompa loompa?”
Customer: “Yes, one of those caramel apple oompa loompas!”
Me: “Do you mean an empinada?”
Customer: “That’s exactly what I said.”
Customer: “Something isn’t right with these two signs about the pears on sale. One says $1.00 for 1 pound, and the other says $10 for 10 pounds. Which is it?”
Me: “Actually, ma’am, that’s the same thing.”
Customer: “Excuse me, but I actually went to college. I think I can do basic math.”
Me: “Let’s look at it this way. If it’s $1 for 1 pound, how much would 3 pounds be?”
Customer: “$3.”
Me: “Yep, and how much would 5 pounds be?”
Customer: “$5.”
Me: “Awesome. How much would 10 pounds be?”
Customer: “$10.” *pause* “Those signs are misleading!” *storms off*
(A young boy, about 12, is walking around confused.)
Me: *in Norwegian* “Where are your parents?”
Child: *clearly British* “Why the heck to people here assume I speak bloody Norwegian?”
Me: *in English* “You’re in Norway.”
Child: “Oh, yeah.”
Museum | Canberra, Australia
Child: “What’s the Cretaceous period?”
Mother: “Something scientists made up.”
Me: *chiming in* “It’s the third period that the dinosaurs lived in. It was from about 140-65 million years ago.”
Child: “Really?”
Mother: “The Cretaceous period is just something that scientists made up to dispute Christ.” *turns to face me* “But we won’t get into that.”
(A customer had trouble remembering his password for his email address.)
Me: “Sir, if you can just go to Google and type in [address], it will take you to the website to reset your password.”
*long silence*
Me: “Are you on the website sir?”
Caller: “I think my nephew has been on here and deleted Google from the internet.”
(The customer is buying one piece of jewelry. I’m all about the environment so I try to avoid giving out bags for small purchases.)
Me: “Would you like a bag, or do you want to put it in your purse?”
Customer: “My purse is fine.”
Me: “Yay! You just saved a polar bear!”
Customer: *eyes go wide* “Plastic bags… are made out of… polar bears?!”
Customer: *hands me two identical coupons*
Me: “You want to use two 20% off coupons? That takes two dollars off each item. Using a five dollar off one would save you an extra dollar. Would you rather use that one?”
Customer: “But using these two coupons saves me more.”
Me: “Actually, you only save four dollars by using those. The five dollar one would save you more.”
Customer: “But using more coupons saves more money!”
Me: “That one coupon is worth more savings than those two, though. That coupon would save you a dollar more, and you can use those two 20% ones another day. Five dollars is more than four dollars.”
Customer: “No, it’s not! I don’t understand how you think that!”
(We’ve just recently switched to a new system where receipts are optional.)
Me: “…and would you like a receipt today?”
Customer: “What?”
Me: “We’re now only printing receipts if you’d like one, in order to save paper. Would you like a receipt?”
Customer: “Of course I want my receipt! You know, it’s young punks like you who do all your online banking who are responsible for 9-11! You should be ashamed of yourself!”
